It’s Not Overreacting if You’re in Pain

Hey, did you pass a girl on the street crying in SoHo last Friday? Not a big deal, but it was me! When I started this blog I promised I’d be honest about my life, even the embarrassing parts. Which is why I knew I had write about last week and the emotions that overcame me.

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I Judge Myself Too Hard

Here’s the set-up: I don’t like going to group fitness classes. They make me anxious, nervous, and extremely self-conscious. Group fitness classes take me back to middle school when I was uncoordinated, a little chubby, and not at all athletic. I remember one particular day when the PE teacher made us dribble a basketball from one side of the gym to the other in front of our classmates. It was torture. Basketball is my least favorite sport and DEFINITELY takes too much coordination. I felt awful, but like I always have, I played it off like I didn’t give a shit. When I was younger, I’d rather take some heat from my teacher for being disruptive, than look like a fool.

Now I am nearly 31 years old and I get the same anxiousness before a workout class. My stomach turns into knots, I often think I’m going to throw up and not make it in. My heart rate is already up before I enter and once I do, I am overwhelmed. Often, my hands shake so badly I can’t lock the locker properly for a few minutes. I glue my eyes to the floor. I do not meet new people. I hate the mirrors that reflect how terrible I am at every move, how stiff my hips always are, how my knees fold in. I am never good enough.

And that’s usually what my lack of comfort with working out in a class format comes from, I never feel good enough. And I am immediately sent back to me at 13 years old. It’s so strange to me because I have overcome almost every other aspect of my younger self that held me back. I was terribly shy in social settings, now I can walk into a bar and meet new people. I was afraid to share my thoughts and now I am at my new job making mistakes nearly every day but still coming in and being vocal and brave. I am trying to be sure of myself. And that’s relatively new for me. I post my poetry on the internet for all to see, instead of squirreling it away like I have for 20 years of my life. I have changed. But this one thing, these fitness classes, brings it all back.

I kind of resigned myself to working out at home for the rest of my life. I take the occasional class, but it takes effort and an incredible amount of planning. For the class last Friday, I went and bought brand new $75 workout pants because I needed to feel prepared.  I signed up for an early morning class and was ready to go.

But then I left 10 minutes later than I should have and the subway took 20 minutes later than it should have. I arrived on the street of the class 1 minute after start time. Could I have gone in and tried to negotiate my way in? Maybe. But I couldn’t face the rejection, I was so afraid they’d tell me no. That I didn’t belong. I know it sounds totally mental, but this is how I was feeling. I had failed. And then almost seemingly out of nowhere, I started sobbing uncontrollably on the street. Because of a workout class. At first I wanted to suck it up and tell myself I was overreacting. (Omg you are so spoiled, you are crying over a workout class.) But I realized it was so much deeper than that. It was everything.

It was the feeling that I had gained weight over the past two months. It was the feeling that I hurt my back because I was afraid to go out and have my form corrected. It was the feeling that I had again wasted money. It was the feeling that I was again late to something. It was again that I am not good enough. It was again that I had failed at bettering myself.

That’s a fucking lot to take in, right?! It WAS a lot so the best thing I could have done for myself was tell myself that I wasn’t overreacting. I corrected that narrative. I was allowed to feel sad for all those things and it was a normal reaction. It eventually calmed me down but I felt terrible almost the entire day.

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I’m sharing this because I had forgotten. I had forgotten how much I carried around on a daily basis. I forgot how much YOU carry around on a daily basis. I forgot about all the negative things I say to myself every morning. I forgot about just how debilitating real anxiety can be. It reminded me to be gentle with my friends or family when they’re afraid to do something new or challenging. It was a wake up call for me in many ways.

So hey, if there’s something makes your chest heavy, your hands sweaty, your heart pound, reach out to me. I may not be able to fix it but maybe I can go with you or just talk to you. I’ve been there, and sometimes a gentle voice on the other end of the phone is all you need to take a step back. And remember, you aren’t overreacting if you’re in pain.

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The Body as a Gift, not a Tool

I had a disappointing turn of events last Sunday. I was having a totally normal day, normal workout, normal life stuff, when out of nowhere my lower back seized up and really started to hurt. By Monday morning I was in excruciating pain and other than getting older I couldn’t pinpoint a culprit. Not immediately, anyway. It’s now Friday and I haven’t “worked out” aside from gentle yoga specifically to soothe my back. What I have worked out however is the culprit and it wasn’t one dumb thing I did or my age… it was a lot of dumb things.

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As I’ve expressed before, I tend to have tunnel vision. I get really focused, I love a good routine, and I kind of forget to step back and observe my progress or take a break. If something seems to be working I go full steam ahead. This can be great from a productivity standpoint but other times… it really isn’t so great. Like, I have a hard time hanging out if something from work is on my mind.

For months now I had finally gotten a new workout routine that I loved. I was working out 6 days a week, eating pretty well, and seeing some incredible results in my body. I also just felt stronger in general. But what was once a dope ass workout plan quickly became this rote practice. Sure, there were days I took off because I was tired, or I decided to do yoga instead of something intense. But for the most part I worked out everyday, in the same sort of style, because it was easier than assessing any sort of goal or next steps. And my body first got used to it and then got sick of it (stopped seeing results) and then finally gave me the big middle finger with an injury. It’s always an injury that is my wake up call.

I’m sharing this not as a pity party but to make a point to the people following along with me. Sometimes having a solid routine and insane dedication to it, isn’t always what we need. And the what we do need is to listen to that little, tiny, baby voice way back in our heads. It has great ideas. For instance… for a couple of months I considered taking classes again, having someone teach me proper from for a number of things. I thought about taking low impact classes like yoga or pilates but couldn’t find the time. I am also terrified of pilates. I thought about switching up the routine into longer workouts for less days. I thought of it all but I didn’t act on any of it because what I was doing was safe and I was being kind of lazy.

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But now that I’ve had the time off to consider all of this, I am re-dedicating myself to an actual healthy lifestyle. I will take the advice of the inner me; she really knew all along. I need to come up with some new goals, reassess my fitness style, find things that I love to do that push me in new ways, and let myself be led by others. It’s like, I know I have shit form for a lot of stuff, so I really need to get out there and learn from someone better. It’s embarrassing and super scary… but I really don’t want to get hurt again because I was being stubborn.

And stubborn I am. So, I want to know from all of you. What’s something in the back of your head that you know you could be doing better, but don’t? What’s that voice telling you? And I know this is hard because I would read stuff written by other people about this “voice” and I’d be like “I never ignore her!” But I secretly was. That’s how tricky this is!

I also wanted to make it a point to be open about this injury and the fact that I am not always right. I get a lot of messages on my IG stories about my dedication and how motivating it is but also how down people feel on themselves because they aren’t doing it the exact same way as me. Guess what, we’re all different and we all need to listen to what our bodies are telling us. They are gifts, not tools to a destination. What I need to remember is that there is no end to healthy living. It grows and changes with you. Better start adapting!

 

Why I Like Being “Simple”

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Photo by Khai Sze Ong on Unsplash

It’s been over a month since I’ve last written and I just want to thank you all for giving me that time! My last post went up three days before I started my new job and then it was a whirlwind of travel and learning and bonding and total, absolute exhaustion. But I am happy to report I feel like I am settling in nicely and I am so excited to be challenging myself in new and interesting ways.

A younger version of me would have pushed myself to maintain the blog, the poetry, the novel, the social media presence all at once, even while trying to learn a new job. This time around I said no to overwhelming myself. I said no to setting unrealistic expectations for myself. I said no to torturing myself about “not being enough”. I wrote when I could, I slept when I needed to, and I took a break from obsessing about every little thing. I focused on my new work, I got to know my team instead of hiding away in my room to write (they made that easy) and I am so happy I did.

Maybe it’s because I am older and I’m finally learning a thing or two about life, or maybe I’ve changed for another reason, but I can tell you this: allowing myself to be simple kept me happy, healthy and sane these past six weeks.

I’ve never wanted to be simple. Simple was a sin in my book. If I wasn’t multi-talented, multi-tasking, multi-stressed out, then I was failing. A typical day would have been an intense weight workout, a full day of work, writing all night, responding to piled up texts, walking the dog, cleaning the apartment and then passing out totally exhausted. I got sick a lot. I wasn’t productive. My writing was… well… shitty.

Simple felt wrong, simple felt too easy, simple felt like I wasn’t doing my best.

What I’ve found is that SIMPLE allows me to excel. What I’ve come to realize is that my other talents, my other interests, and loves? They’ll still be there. This blog is still here. My poetry is still waiting for me to edit it and share it with the world. I’ve found other simpler workouts that don’t require me to travel to the gym every day. It’s all there and I will get to it. (When I can!) When I focus my attention to one or two things, I kill it. I sleep. I am not sick all the time. When I am simple I am a better, calmer, version of myself. It took a million and one tries, but I finally saw the pattern.

Now that the travel is done for a bit, now that I am finding my rhythm at work… now is when I can pick up the pen again. Write this blog post for you. Take some new photos for the IG. Make special plans with my friends. And when I do all of these things I will be more engaged because I won’t be tired, or worried, or thinking about the next task. I can simply be present.

I know there will be days when I want to go back to the way I was. When I want to pressure myself and push myself and overwhelm myself. And maybe I’ll need the extra encouragement. But knowing that it’s ok to take a step back and breathe is going to make all the difference. I mean, how often do you let yourself be simple?

First Time At Home Teeth Whitening: Does it Work?

Hey everyone! As you know I occasionally take a break from waxing poetic about life and all its twists and turns to share with you the products I have been using and enjoying. And it’s time for one of those reviews with Smile Brilliant!
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Why Smile Brilliant?
For the past couple of weeks I have been using Smile Brilliant’s whitening system. Let me start by saying I have never whitened my teeth before. Ever. Outside of a little whitening toothpaste, it was never a world I explored or felt necessary. And then BAM! Here comes my 30th year on this planet and everything (I mean EVERYTHING) is changing.
My skin is different, my hair is different, my energy levels and yes, my teeth. I started to notice that my teeth weren’t as white as they always had been and I realized it was probably the addition of coffee and red wine into my diet. When I was younger I didn’t drink either and so the change in the condition of my teeth was really noticeable.
It was starting to bug me which is why I was so glad the team at Smile Brilliant reached out to offer me a test drive of one of their whitening kits. The time had come to brave this brand new world and I chose Smile Brilliant as my whitening partners (and gurus!)
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The Experience 
Smile Brilliant is pretty unique, especially from the strips you buy at drugstores, because the system uses custom fitted trays to perform the whitening. That’s right, you gotta mold your teeth. The first step was a little scary, I am not going to lie, but everything turned out ok. Smile Brilliant sends you the mold making kit via mail. Following the instructions very carefully you make molds of your top and bottom rows of teeth. You let the molds dry and the ship them back in the provided envelope.
A week later my custom-fitted trays arrived and they matched my teeth exactly. (Science, right?) Included with my trays were my tubes full of whitening solution and the desensitizing gel. This gel was my lifesaver during the process. There are a couple steps to get your teeth whitening ready but you’re given detailed instructions on how to accomplish each step and achieve whitening glory.
The short version is this: you fill the trays with the whitening solution and then pop them into place and leave them in anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours depending on your sensitivity. Pop them out, wash the trays, and then pop in the desensitizing gel for about 20 minutes. It can be a little time consuming so make sure to start your whitening journey when you are ready to commit!
For me personally, I have fairly sensitive teeth. The first couple rounds of whitening left me extra sensitive. To fix this I merely shortened my sessions down to the bare minimum and also put a day in between each session, using the desensitizing gel on the off day. This really helped keep them feeling safe and not as touchy. I noticed results after my very first use of the system which was crazy! As I went on I noticed more change and started to really be impressed. Of course, I snuck in some coffee during this period which I regret a little, but Smile Brilliant was strong enough to put up with my weakness and still provide me with some great results.
I always did my whitening at night when I was done eating for the day. I timed it so I was done whitening just before bed. While I had my trays in I’d watch TV, read, walk the dog, and do my skincare routine. I was still able to talk to my boyfriend and chat on the phone with my mom, so don’t worry about them being too bulky. They really do fit and form to your teeth so well!
The Takeaway
If you’re looking for an at-home whitening option, check out SmileBrilliant. The custom-fitted trays really do make this a whole different kind of experience and provide great results. (Goodbye gross drugstore strips!)
Here are my side-by-side comparisons:
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The best news is you can get a KIT FREE (valued at $149) by entering my giveaway here!
Contest is open to Australia, Canada, US, and UK. And ANYONE can 15% off store wide with my code ‘cheapcourage15’.


Tooth Whitening Gel

Letting Go of All the Versions of Me to Reveal… Me

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Photo by Vince Fleming on Unsplash

I spent a majority of my life trying to be several different people, all at once. It maybe all started with what I call a success-hybrid I created as a kid. Someone would ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” And I’d say, “A doctor-writer-veterinarian.” As I got older I adored to try new things. I played soccer for a year. I played the clarinet for 3 years. Theater and singing lasted longer, almost 8 years. I took on International Studies as a minor for a semester and dropped it almost immediately. I am a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a best friend, I work during the day, and write at night.

All those years I always compartmentalized who I was. If I was in a relationship but my friends were single, I would insist we not talk about my boyfriend. I didn’t want them to think I was actually that sensitive. (But I am.) I wouldn’t talk about my writing with my friends at the gym. I hardly ever mentioned my outside interests at work. It could seem at times even wrong to do so. I operated each piece of myself on its own.

Which ultimately started to drive me crazy because it was impossible to balance my time. Sometimes being a girlfriend took up three more hours than I had planned for. And so I couldn’t be a writer that day. Or I’d have to work late, and not be a friend that day. I have no idea why I did this, but I did. It wasn’t until the last year, maybe two, that I noticed it and attempted to stop it.

I asked my friends to welcome my boyfriend into our friend circle more fully, I made very close and dear friends at work, I told my superiors when I had work published so we could all celebrate. Instead of one or the other I was getting closer to the idea of me that I had as a child, I could be a couple things and it would be alright.

By removing my own compartments, I am a much happier person. My time doesn’t need to be parceled out hour by hour. My planner has become less precious to me. I write in the same room as my boyfriend. I am writer-girlfriend. I share my poems with my co-workers. I am poet-coworker. I make friends at work and introduce them to my boyfriend. I am coworker-girlfriend-friend. The more I combine my passions closer to one another the more like myself I feel. Every time I do not compromise one part of me for another, I glow. The tighter I wind in, pulling it all back, the more complete and whole I feel.

It turns out that I don’t need to be one person for each scenario. I just need to be me, in my entirety, and I will be happy. The closer I can get to my own core, the closer I get to being truly happy with the life I have built.