How meta is it that being my authentic self means writing this crazy blog post and then posting it? Kind of amazing, right? I wish I could say this post came to me in a flash of inspiration but I honestly spent most of my time this week avoiding a post because coming up with good blog ideas is hard.

So here we are at AUTHENTICITY. Honoring our true selves is so freaking challenging in this world and I swear it gets more challenging everyday. We’re so “out there” now. Our lives are recorded on multiple platforms in multiple mediums and it opens us to be judged, and questioned, and hurt. Sure, it opens a lot of doors, but with open doors comes a lot of weirdos and jerks who can just walk right on into your life.

I am the closest to my most authentic self I’ve ever been. I want to say, so very badly too, that I am my most authentic self today, but if I’ve learned anything it’s that we’re never quite right about this. But the past year has felt like a giant puzzle piece has finally found its spot and locked in. And being a puzzle with a lot of its pieces in place is a freeing feeling. And very rewarding.

The best part about this huge piece falling into place is that it isn’t surprising. I DO know what I’ve done to get here. To get to this place where I feel like I am myself in all settings: At home, at work, on this blog, on social media, on my couch, with my family, in group texts. All of those Amandas are ONE Amanda. And if you were born one version of yourself, cool, you can probably stop reading and celebrate how freaking lucky you are! But if you are like me… If you have spent a lot of your life trying to navigate all the different “yous” looking for the one that feels most comfortable… then read on.

Here’s What I Did/Do…Didgeridoo:

1. I Honor My Energy

I have spent a considerable amount of my life trying to be the upbeat, problem-solver, with good energy. And that’s because 80% of the time that is who I am. That’s me. The other 20% of the time is when I am sapped of energy, or sick of someone else’s bad energy, or sad, or hurt, or overwhelmed. These days I accept that I am not at my best during these times and I do not try to pretend that I have the wherewithal to be upbeat and helpful and energetic. It’s like plugging in a cellphone. I have to take that time to charge up and fix what’s wrong with me so I have the energy to be in my natural state of being which is saying “How can I help?” on repeat.

2.  I Honor My Feelings

I started telling people how much they mean to me. I started asking for equal love and time and attention from those people too. I work on both daily because these are particularly hard for me for some unknown reason (I’ve written like 50 essays trying to figure it out). I have found that the love I pour out of me is almost always matched by the wonderful humans I surround myself with. And if it isn’t enough or right, I stop it there. I am only here to share love for love. I was once someone who was embarrassed to tell someone that I love them, that they’ve changed my life, that I need them in my life. Now… I actually say it quite a bit. And it has only freed me further. (PS I love you guys!)

3. I Honor My Beauty

I cannot tell you how hard this one is. And I’m not just talking about your face or your body. I am talking about embracing what makes you special and what makes you happy. I prefer wearing slacks and loafers to work. I prefer sneakers to heels on the weekend. It’s just who I am. I started describing my sense of style as a Punk Ellen DeGeneres and giving it a title actually helped me embrace it. It took me a long time to negotiate my femininity with my desire to dress like a 12 year old boy. And I come up against this challenge more than you would think and I am always working through it. But I can tell you, by accepting that beauty is complex and unique to the individual, you can find what your true beauty is and aim your arrow at it. Also, anyone that feels the need to tease you for your preferences is locked in their own hell. Don’t get locked in too.

4. I Honor All That is Good in My Life

Negative thinking patterns are sooooooooo soooooooo easy to fall into. I am especially prone to them when I am busy or have a lot going on. I will have a party and trip and dinner coming up and think, “Ugh there’s so much going on…blah blah.” But if I stop and center myself and think “I am so thankful I have friends who want to eat meals with me, I am so grateful that I get to travel, I am so proud I am living the life I always wanted.” I remember that I chose these things, that I am lucky to have these things, and that without them I’d feel pretty empty. Being grateful isn’t a script. You have to see it and work at it.

5. I Let The Dead Things Go

Being upset and angry and really, downright enraged is okay. What’s not okay is harboring those things and letting them lead your life. Get good and mad and then find a solution. Get sad when someone leaves your life, and then find happy things to fill that space. Let. The. Dead. Shit. Go. It can’t serve you anymore.

6. I Honor My Future

I actually hate this one but I do it because it’s good for me. When I meditate… I totally meditate like 5 times a week you guys! Who am I?… One of my go-to mantras is “I will find my gift to give.” It gives me peace when I feel lost about the direction of my life. I use it when I have a bad day at work. When I feel like I am not doing enough. When I am wondering if I’ll actually publish anything worthwhile. It keeps the spiral at bay and keeps me working toward my goals.

7. I Honor My Place

Ever get impostor syndrome? Where you’re like… Why do these people like me? I can’t do my job properly? Why would someone love me? That’s some toxic shit and you gotta stop. Chances are you have a job because you’re pretty good at it. You have friends because they like you (or you have a yard… lol jk jk). You are awesome so stop pushing the good stuff away from you and hugging in the bad.

Well, this turned out to be a lot longer than I thought but I’m glad! I carry this stuff around with me all the time and feels good to store it somewhere and HOPEFULLY help someone. Once you start doing some of things, or one of these things, or half of one of these things you’ll start to notice a difference. And that difference will make you want to do more! Take it easy, don’t rush, and listen to the you that you like.

It is inevitable that every time I sit down to outline new goals, go over the results of old goals, go through my planner, schedule my life, talk to people I trust, meditate–basically anytime I try to move my life forward– I hit the same roadblock.

I am flat-out scared of other writers. Fiction? Scary. Poets? Yep. Scary. Non-Fiction? Quaking in my (combat) boots. It’s been a problem since I can remember but I never actually turned around to look it square in the eyes and figure out why I have this problem or how I am possibly going to fix it. I just keep avoiding it. I forget about it. I find another way.

My whole life I’ve wanted to write, of course without any specific goals other than “pen to paper on the reg”. I’ve swung around like a deflated balloon in a tree. Trapped, once buoyant, sad to see. I worked on lit mag in high school but come college the idea of being surrounded by my better-than-thou peers sent me into a panic. I didn’t submit. I didn’t apply. I didn’t do anything. When my favorite authors came through town, as they always did because it was Iowa City, I’d have my books signed and say “Hey” but nothing more. I can’t speak to anyone I admire. Ask my boyfriend about the time I met Aaron Sanchez.

In the city I am always on the lookout for writing meet-ups, readings, places to meet people like me. But I don’t ever go. The dates come and go. I don’t meet anyone new, I don’t ask how to move this whole thing along. I just put my head down and write. I just avoid the problem. I avoid writers. I avoid the people who are most like me.

They should be my people. I should want to surround myself with writers like me, who I enjoy, who I respect, who I can grow with. But they scare me. I am certain they are all more talented than I am. Certain that if I put myself out there, I’ll be rejected immediately. That I’ll never find the right ones, you know, the writing people made for me. I’m exactly like your friend who refuses to date– there’s no one out there worth meeting.

And I know it’s wrong and yet I still do it. Never meeting anyone new. Avoiding other writers. Pretending that isolating myself from my own community is okay.

It’s finally time I stop doing this to myself and set out and find my people. I don’t know where they are, these writers like me, but I intend to find them. One small event at a time. Maybe I’ll even speak to someone at these events. Who knows?

This week I wrote a couple posts on Reddit under r/writing. That was scary enough, but next week I’m going to post something to be critiqued. I’ll need a Valium for that. And in June I plan to go to a reading. I’ll need some wine for that.

The scary thing is that I’ve been avoiding other writers for almost my entire life and I’ve only just noticed it. There could be other things I am completely avoiding out of fear and not even know they are there. Is it possible we all have these weird things we lie to ourselves about? Things that scare us so deeply that we erase all memory of even ever being afraid?

How do we find them? And how do we go about getting rid of them?

I always end these blog posts asking questions and no one ever answers me. Are you all robots? Are you scared too? Tell me… now really tell me… What is something you actively avoid? It has to be something that is so scary your brain automatically deletes it as an option for your life.

Also… how are you going to plan on chasing it? If I am chasing mine, you gotta chase yours too.

In my last blog post I wrote about being nicer to myself and enjoying all the events and chaos I faced during the month of April. I tend to get worried that I am not “doing enough” or getting “stuff” done when in reality, I am doing quite a bit. Sometimes, it’s just not what I’d rather be doing; that’s ok because life happens and we cope. During and after that post I took some time to figure out what this super trendy thing called self-care meant to me. In a past life I would have found this kind of stuff sort of… *eye roll inducing** but I am totally into it now!

So if you’be been confused about (or a hater of) what self-care means too, join me, I am about to walk you through it!

WHAT IT’S NOT

Self-care isn’t just pampering… (though it could be).  Self-care doesn’t require you to spend a ton of money and self-care isn’t about being selfish. It isn’t about being lazy and it’s not about being self-centered.

WHAT IT IS

Self-care is all about giving yourself what you need. This doesn’t mean that you’re going to start ignoring the people you love, but maybe instead taking a night to enjoy your own company. It doesn’t mean blowing through your budget to buy a new leather jacket, but maybe instead finally going to the tailor to hem a pair of pants you bought months ago. Self-care isn’t letting dishes pile up for days and spilling milk and leaving it to spoil. It’s picking one day to relax and one day to tidy. It’s being kind to your time.

WHAT IT IS FOR ME

I took some time to just sit and think about what a) makes me happy but also b) what I need. Now what I need changes on a daily-weekly-monthly basis, but this is a good look at what I needed in April and what I need this spring.

…A manicure
…A weekend to myself, time to be filled however I choose
…To say no
…A cheeseburger
…A bath
…To skip a workout (or two or three)
…Organize my budget again

WHAT IT COULD BE FOR YOU

Take time to explore what you need and what you aren’t giving yourself. Here are some starters!

…Take a long walk without your phone
…Call your mom
…Clean out your bathroom cabinet
…Take a nap
…Watch Keeping up with the Kardashians #guiltypleasuremuch
…Organize the papers on your desk
…Read a magazine
…Stretch
…Read about something you don’t usually read about (science, sports, fashion)
…Take a free class online
…Buy some new tea and a new mug
…Bake something fabulous
…Have a burger and beer and don’t schedule an extra workout to “burn it off”
…Write a motivational note on your mirror
…Stop answering work e-mails after 7pm

The options for self-care are limitless and you don’t need a ton of money, or a really stunning Instagram feed, or lots of extra free days to start taking care of yourself. You can start today! Small things, even stopping to NOTICE the city around you, are the key here. Take care of yourself! You’re the only you we have!

(I sound so glowingly optimistic here… must be all the self-care.)

How do you perform self-care? What else can I add to my list?