I have a problem with dreams, those pie in the sky visions that we’re told to have when we are little. “Dream Big!” The posters of our classrooms read. “Never let go of your dreams,” we’re told after our first failures–like tripping at a ballet recital or losing the big game. We’re taught to dream big, follow the rules and to keep “trying”. But we are rarely given the tools we need to actually reach those dreams. There is no curriculum for recovering from a failure or a seminar to show you how to chart your way to success. We’re taught to dream but not to properly goal set.
I loved school. I loved going to a place where I knew the rules, and how to work them, and how to succeed within them. I understood exactly what my goal was– to get good grades, to get to college, to do well in the eyes of the adults around me. And I did that…for the most part. Enough to get through college at least. It wasn’t until I graduated and put school behind me that I noticed that I hadn’t learned a lot about achievement. Without a pattern to follow, I didn’t know where to begin. Where do I go from here? I wondered.
Recently, I started applying certain goal setting tactics and organizational skills that I have acquired through working full time and living alone, to my “dream” of writing. It sounds so silly but I hadn’t really thought of writing as a goal–it was a thing I did, I thing I wanted to do badly, a thing I wished, and wished would happen to me. It was…a dream. I had made goals out of so many other things–fitness, my work, reading, training my dog– but rarely to writing or with any true conviction.
I’ve been writing without any goals of publication, no targets, no deadlines, just self-motivation to get better. Two weeks ago I catalogued every single piece I’ve been working on for the past year or so, and where it currently stands in the process, in an Excel spreadsheet. It never occurred to me to list out my writing projects like I do with my work projects. The moment I was able to see every piece in progress in a snapshot, I knew that I have been wasting my own time. Every day. For years.
That’s a hard realization. It’s even harder when you decide you’re going to share with a wide readership that you’ve been mucking up your writing life for years. But I felt I had to. When we’re off busy dreaming of what our lives could be, we forget that we can make active change to get there. Dreaming is so easy to do because it takes little energy. Goalsetting takes work. And it’s scary because you can see where you are falling behind… I fall behind a lot. Though I never let falling behind with my other goals keep me from moving forward. If I eat pizza, I still workout. If I let the dog slide with certain rules, I get back to them the next day. So why oh why wouldn’t I do this for my writing?
Moving my biggest dream to my goal list has been hard. It’s been weird. I’m not very good at it. I make mistakes almost constantly. But I’m keeping it there…because I’m stubborn and I like keeping lists.
I have to ask you now… What’s something you think about every day, something that’s stuck on your Dream list, something that could change your life? Have you thought about putting it on your long list of to-dos? Could you *gasp* move it to the top? I know we weren’t trained to operate this way, to take perfect dreams and make them real (because then they aren’t perfect anymore), but I’m thinking you should try. Your dreams are bored.
(PS – I’ll be sharing some super cool tactics in the coming weeks to help get you there.)
Today is International Women’s Day. A day I have always considered, but never taken any real action to get involved–not because I felt particularly safe or beyond the glass ceiling, but because I relied on other women to fight my battles for me. It seemed easier to let “them” do it, so I could focus on my regular day-to-day life. My blinders were ripped off with this last election. Now it is impossible to avoid how so many of my fellow Americans truly feel about the causes I so deeply care about–racial equality, gender parity, and poverty.
But because I am awake now, more so than I have been in years, I can use my tiny platform (hey Blogosphere) to share what IWD is all about and how you can get involved even in the simplest of ways.
1. This year’s theme is #BeBoldForChange
Which I find extremely apropos to my current situation and I am sure how many women are feeling. For years I didn’t feel the need to “be bold”, to march, to donate, to actively say in conversations at work, at play, on dates, that I am a Feminist. Now I find myself saying it daily, and for me, that’s bold.
This year’s theme is all about being active, not passive. IWD is asking YOU to take a pledge to do one of the following:
Challenge bias and inequality
Campaign against violence
Forge women’s advancement
Celebrate women’s achievement
Champion women’s education
It’s easy to say: “I want to do it all” but selecting one category ensures that you make a real impact, not a scattered attempt. Select your category and then be bold enough to share what steps you’ll take to stay true to your pledge. You can do all that here: https://www.internationalwomensday.com/BeBold
2. My #BeBoldForChange is challenging bias and inequality.
This is something I already do often BUT I could be more consistent and specific. I will actively become a champion for equality in the workplace and will point out bias, gendered language, and challenge stereotypes. I will encourage my female co-workers to do the same and coach them through it (it’s this piece that I tend not to follow through on).
3. Spread the Word
It’s really that easy. Use the hashtag on social media. Bring up IWD in a conversation today. Explain to male coworker why IWD is so important and encourage him to be bold in his choices. Celebrate the achievements of women you admire from RBG to your best friend. What women do you know that are making strides? Tell the world!
Donate to a charity that backs a cause you care about. IWD donations are going to WAGGGS again. What is WAGGGS? Click here. Or pick another amazing charity that fighting for equality, educating women and girls, or working to end violence against women.
It’s really that easy to be involved and makes me wonder why in the past I let this day slip by without even so much as re-tweeting a post from IWD. This year will be different. Follow me on my various social media channels for posts about great organizations, articles, and facts regarding gender parity in the workplace and violence against women.
Publicly sharing my non-fiction is literally what my nightmares are made up of. But in my constant fight to open myself to new possibilities and to grow as a writer I have to actually let me writing be read. I am starting a writing class next week on Narrative, taught by one of my favorite non-fiction writers, Chloe Caldwell. Since I had to submit a piece to be accepted and this one made the cut, I figured it was safe to share.
SAD FRENCH MOVIES
There is a night you take me to see a Sad French Movie. Catherine Deneuve is in it and every line of the movie is sung. It’s like a musical, but more so. It’s about falling in love and how life then pulls everything apart piece by piece, like the unraveling of a sweater by each thread. You are always taking me to movies at Film Forum, and you are always forgetting the card that gets us discounted snacks. So we never get snacks. I watch a lot of snackless movies there in those old musty seats.
The movie ends at a snowy gas station and the couple can’t be together because they’re married to other people. They’re all so sad but they’re still singing every word that leaves their mouths. Still singing in the snow. Still singing even though their love failed. The ending makes me sad too, but I guess that is the point of a Sad French Movie, to make life feel very heavy.
Though I am feeling very down, you must be feeling romantic because we walk for three avenues to find a place to have a bottle of red. We never do stuff like this, but we’ve been broke since we got together so we don’t know how to do stuff like this. As soon as the first glass hits my bloodstream, I am weepy. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I feel stuck. Where am I supposed to go? I forget how weepy red wine makes me. The restaurant is Argentinean and we are the only people not eating.
When I first read of Hygge — the Danish art of enjoying small comforts — a couple of months ago, I was thrilled to find a word for the feeling and environment I’ve been creating for most of my life. It turns out that my mother was quite a natural with hygge and I’ve oh-so-thankfully inherited her attention to detail when it comes to creating “a moment.” As this is the first time in my life a trend has come naturally to me, I’ve created this guide to getting your hygge on in a city that isn’t always accepting of staying home and getting comfy.
What is Hygge exactly?
Hygge does not translate to English directly, but is often described as the feeling or mood that comes from making ordinary moments special, of being intimate, and of getting downright comfy. There is a lot of speculation as to why Danes put so much emphasis on making home a perfect escape but it generally boils down to the fact that the weather is often terrible, there is little to do, and going out to eat is rather expensive. To compensate, they heighten the experiences of everyday activities and find joy in even the smallest things. I often think of Mindfulness when reading about hygge, as they are built on similar pillars.
Based on these definitions and speculations, I imagine the reason that my mother and I (and many people that we know) are already hygge-ing because we are not just American, but we are New Englanders. If weather and low funds ultimately created hygge then of course New Englanders are naturals! Why else do you think Yankee Candle is such a big deal to us? We love staying home and being cozy, there’s no doubt about that.
Why New York?
Listen, anyone can take these tips and use them anywhere, but I just find that the people confined to city lifestyles (read: few trees, very busy) are the ones who are most likely doing very little in the way of hygge and are probably the ones who could benefit most from it. Now on to it…
Take it Easy
Hygge is a feeling and it takes time to cultivate it. Rushing it or forcing it by going out and buying a bunch of stuff isn’t going to make you feel better and it certainly isn’t hygge. The whole notion is to take pleasure in the small things you already have or do and elevate them. Stay mindful. Apply the following tips to your life slowly. Light a candle once a week to start, maybe on Sunday nights, or set aside the first hour of every Saturday morning to reading. Start small and then grow.
If you don’t have the pleasure of working from home like some, you will have to face the commute home which is more often then not, grueling. You do not want to take bad energy into your safe place. The first thing I do after a long day is take my dog for a brisk walk without my cell phone. The disconnected, fresh-air bonding moment with my dog changes my thinking and eases me into my evening. If you don’t have a pooch, try getting off the train a stop earlier and walking home. Stop for some flowers or a warm tea and unwind your mind. No phone checking!
Make Home Your Haven
To properly hygge you have to go home and you have to stay there, so what your space feels like to you is an important part of the whole process. It should feel cozy and inviting. If you live with roommates, hygge your bedroom so it becomes your comfy cave of solitude. A good room is one that upon seeing it, you no longer have FOMO or the desire to leave it. You want to remain there for hours, totally blissful. Hygge objects bring you happiness; they give off warmth or are in colors that evoke warmth.
After walking my dog, the first thing I do once home is light the multiple candles around my apartment and turn on the string lights and LED candles I also have strewn about. I never turn on my overheard lights unless I’m in the kitchen (they’re SO harsh) and I switch into my comfiest clothes, including fuzzy socks. I leave blankets out for extra coziness. We all live in small places so there’s no need for you to go overboard with new fuzzy pillows and animal hide purchases. Take what you have and work with it! Here are some items that are easy to have in an apartment to create a hygge environment:
Candles… literally everywhere
Clothes that relax you
Lavender oil for your sheets and/or blankets
Framed photographs of your favorite people
Items from your childhood home
Favorite books on display
Succulent plants or cacti
Enjoy the Moment
Hygge is not just your environment but how you treat yourself and others in that environment. Take time to pause and enjoy even the smallest of moments. Indulge in being alive. Have a special tea or cocoa on hand, pick up a brand new book to read, take a long hot bath, massage your partner’s shoulders, share stories with your friends. Relish these moments as if they are the only time you have to enjoy them. The list of hygge moments is endless, because really it is what makes you happy, but here are some of my personal favorites that work in the city.
If someone invites you to dinner, invite them over instead for hot tea and intimate conversation
Have a special mug you only use for cocoa
Take a walk the moment it starts snowing
Spend a Saturday reading in bed
Bake a favorite treat that has less than 10 ingredients (or maybe even 5!)
Turn off your phone for an hour
Turn off your phone for longer than an hour
Stay in your own neighborhood for a whole weekend, cook dinner each night
Put a crackling log video on your TV
Instead of going to a bar, have everyone over for mulled wine and a board game. Make it an BYOFS (Bring Your Own Fuzzy Socks) event
Pop popcorn the old school way
Take a freakin’ nap!
Eat comfort food
Call your mom and get an old recipe…and then make it
Sure, I’d love to hygge everyday, all day. But we have jobs. We have goals. We have lives. I get it. We live in a big bad city with friends all over the place. I am not advising you to stop doing the things that make you tick or make you successful, I am advising you to set time aside in your insane schedule to just be. Remember what it was like when you were a kid and had no way to get anywhere? Couldn’t leave the house? Couldn’t drive? With a lack of options, you found ways to pass the time that made you happy. You read, you colored, you made forts, and played games with your siblings. You made up languages and took naps and dreamed of your future. We still need time for these endeavors! If all that sounds overwhelming for now, at least find one way to hygge during the day. Yes, it’s possible. Here are my favorites:
Take a 5-10 minute walk during your work day
Look at the people in the coffee shop, not at your phone
Sit on your couch for 10 minutes at the end of your day before doing anything else
Hold hands with your partner on your commute
Flirt with the stranger that held the door open for you
Try and memorize a poem while on the subway
Lotion your hands at every opportunity
Light a candle at your desk (I really do this now)
Decorate your cube or space to the most your company allows
Take your heels off under your desk (cheeky, right?)
Listen to your coworker after you ask them how they are…really, truly listen
Have one piece of chocolate and savor it
Melt a chocolate in your morning coffee
Keep a special tea in your desk drawer
I know we aren’t Danish. I know we are busy. But enjoying the smallest moments in your life and really, truly, taking the time to honor them is an important part of being happy. Stop yearning after the yacht, and enjoy the toy boat in your bathtub.
In the past I have shied away from writing about politics because I never feel that I know “enough” to be someone who should be putting information out there. That seems sort of silly now given the amount of news outlets that write whatever they want, ignoring truths for their own agendas. I’ve always wanted to make sure I know all the facts before putting pen to paper, or fingers to a keyboard. Silly me, right? But now, given everything happening in our country that I so vehemently disagree with, I feel that I have to take a stab at “being political”.
My platform is tiny, my voice is tiny, a drop in the endless of bucket of the opinions and voices in our country, but if I do not speak up, even here, than I am not serving my friends and family currently under attack by our own government. Of course, speaking or writing in this way opens me up to a slew of criticisms from those who disagree with me but also from those who, on a baseline, agree with me.
Let me clarify. I am in a constant state of learning. I am always open to the thoughts and ideas and facts and articles of others that will help me to understand the world at large, especially now. Though I am an ally to those who are not at all like me, that does not mean I know what it is to be them or to see things from their perspective. I can try but I will never be them. I am often careful to recognize my privilege and to be wary of using their struggle as my own platform. I am constantly vigilant to make sure I do not do this, but of course, I can mess up, and that is where I need help.
I welcome constructive criticism. That is why I am writing this post. I rely on a vast network of intelligent people to keep me informed and to educate me. With their support I feel like I can put myself out there. They can help me grow as an effective voice in the resistance of hatred.
I will be blunt. This is terrifying. It is absolutely terrifying to hear from someone you love and respect that you’ve messed up. There’s no doubt about it that checking your privilege is uncomfortable, that it sometimes hurts, that it tests friendships. But you have to be willing to work very hard to see real change and to make a real impact.
I know the fear of being proved wrong and the fear of people finding out you are not as “woke” as you seem on paper is strong. I know that it is scary. But if you allow yourself to talk it through with someone different from you, if you ASK THEM HOW YOU CAN HELP INSTEAD OF GUESSING AND ACTING ON THAT GUESS, you will find that you’re doing the real work that’s required right now.
We’re in an uncomfortable place right now. But growth comes from challenge and so if I can sit here and write something that at its core makes me so uncomfortable my stomach is doing flips, than you can be brave too. We can keep fighting alongside one another in mutual respect and love.
See you next week when I introduce you to the regular people being affected by the hiring freeze…