October is shaping up to be a pretty intense month for me. On top of a lot of travel and hard work coming my way, my boyfriend Frank is moving in with me. I’ve told a handful of people so far, and if the person doesn’t know me well they say “Oh wow! What a big step!” and “Good for you!” If they know me really well they say, “Oh wow are you ready?” And then there are the few that know me better than myself that say, “I’m really proud of you.”
Why all the different responses and why my need to write a blog about it? Well. Here’s a not so secret: I lived with someone before. And not just for a little bit. For four years. At 29 that’s kind of a big chunk of time. A BFD, if you will. It didn’t work out between us, clearly, and I’ve been living alone (and loving it) since.
Having someone move in with me, again, is scary and it took me some time to work through my fears and concerns with it. And if I am going to be real with you all, as I usually am on here, the biggest number one fear I had? What if it doesn’t work out again? I mean, how could it not be given my history? Don’t we ever learn from our pasts? Am I crazy?
Maybe, but not in this context. We cannot let the fear of something in the past (that happened when my partner was different, when the world was different, when I was very different) to negatively affect the now. If I lived in fear of another relationship failing, I’d never find love or support again in my life. Progress comes from confronting and getting over fear.
I was afraid people would judge me pretty harshly for throwing all my eggs into another basket, for truly going for it in another relationship, for dedicating my life to another again. Even when I was comfortable with my choice, I was nervous to share it because I was sure people were discussing it behind my back (“Is that really a good idea?” They’d say.) I was certain they would see the same fears I had early on and amplify them. Not only did I have to work through my own fear, but I had to tune out the opinions of others. Only we know what is right for ourselves. We need to learn to turn to our own hearts for advice, and trust it.
In this case my heart told me, “Trying again is worth it.”
Just like with a career, a novel, a fitness routine… trying again after a failure is part of the process. You get stronger. You know yourself better. You start to find the people you need to succeed. Relationships are no different. You get back what you put into them. Drafting and revising your romantic life is part of building your life story. Ignoring the amount of work and re-dos you’ll have to do to get it right is only hurting your growth. Try again. Try again. Revise. Try again.
Also, don’t forget that love is a weird thing that no one can really explain. They can try. They can get close. But your individual story and feelings are singular to you. Know the difference between trying again and beating yourself over the head with something that’s not working. Be brave, meditate to get closer to your heart, and when you do, listen to it. Ignore the sounds of the naysayers and go for what you want.
Maybe this move in will fail. And I am not afraid to write that anymore. I trust that it will work but I know that if it doesn’t, we’re going to be ok. The great thing about trying again is knowing you can survive it. Take care of yourself, dare a little, and get out there and make yourself happy. I know that’s what I am out here trying to do.