Being self aware has its benefits. Being self aware is also so soul sucking at times that I think my head is going to spin around a la The Exorcist. I can’t live a single day without considering my choices, wondering if I am doing this thing called living correctly, if I am doing enough, if I am doing too little, if I am hurting people, if I am allowing myself to be hurt by people.
It’s just a tad exhausting.
Chances are, and totally correct me if I’m wrong (especially because I need more to stress about), that you feel that way too. I’m making that guess because you’re reading my blog right now. My audience is a sea of neurotics. And I love you. So what do we do? How do we come to terms with our absolute bat-shit-craziness?
Here’s my plan. I’ve decided that I am going to live a little more authentically. To me that means being more accepting of my flaws, accepting this time in my life as a messy one, and being truthful about my relationships with others.
(Writing that all out has given me a tiny bit of anxiety just now. It’s a lot to tackle. It’s a lot to manage. But really, it’s better than the crazy stew of a brain I have boiling over right now.)
And part of being authentic is telling you right now that I am not as strong as you may think I am. That sounds a little odd to say in writing but I get a lot of notes and messages and even texts congratulating me on my strength. I appreciate them. My heart flutters when I get them. I downright LOVE them. But I sometimes feel like a fraud because there are mornings I don’t want to get out of bed and there are weeks I skip a lot of workouts. I make bad choices at least once day. (Everything from texting certain people I shouldn’t to eating two macarons at a time instead of just one.)
And I need to be accepting of all of that, because for better or for worse that’s me. That’s yer girl! I hope you’ll still hangout here because I really want to make this a place where we can get together once in awhile and be #flawed together. Because mistakes are where we grow. And I really, really, really, want to grow.
Thanks to everyone who has been around while I’ve been well, kind of a selfish mess, you know exactly who you are and I’m really going to do better by you. That’s part of this whole thing too. I’m going to try and accept the love and help of others. I mean… people don’t just shower that shit down on you unless you deserve it.
