When You Crash and then Burn Real Hard

I had a bit of a breakdown last week and by a “bit” I mean “total”. I almost thought I shouldn’t share that here, since I am all about motivation and aspiration, but having total breakdowns is part of the program. You don’t get anywhere by being stagnant and sometimes a good cry is all you need to snap yourself out of a slump.

We moved all the clocks forward last Sunday (ok, so Jeff and I moved the microwave clock on Tuesday) and that was all it took for me to realize I had been in a funk all winter. The weather was horrible and I’ve been a little stagnant in my writing. Remember that post where I said I had to give up on a piece? I didn’t, I drove it further into the ground. But I’ve really broken up with it this time and I’ve been focusing on a piece I actually enjoy writing.

I came to a place this past week that made me question every choice I’ve made up until this point. All of it. And it was really tough to face some of them. It was especially tough to face the fact that a lot of what I do doesn’t make me happy, it just fills my time. This isn’t the first time that I’ve done this to my precious minutes. I genuinely enjoy being busy. Being busy makes me feel productive and important but most of the time I am neither of those things and I really am just BUSY.

So right now. And I mean, RIGHT NOW. I am trying reassess what’s important to me and what makes me happy, not what I think is good for me or what I think I “should” be doing. It’s hard for me to put some things aside, especially because I have a million and one “good ideas” and “projects”, but by focusing on what makes me happy, I should in turn become happier.

Imagine that.

I had the greatest weekend. I spent time with Jeff and my dog. I worked out. I ate good food. I saw friends I haven’t seen in awhile. I had a business meeting. I studied French. I worked on some stuff and I even cleaned the apartment! I was actually more productive this weekend because I just did what I wanted to do and told myself it would be ok if I didn’t get to it all.

I am definitely not saying I’ve solved the problem. I am probably 1% of the way there but I am glad that I’ve snapped out of it realized that I got a little crazy there for a bit. My heart still gets heavy and I have to fight back the “I am not enough, I am not doing enough” mentality I often feel.

Tell me, do you feel this way? How do you fight it? Asking for a friend…

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